Ch-ch-ch-changes...
We're starting in on a new phase at our house. Hubby has a new job, I've quit all my regular freelance, a new baby is coming very soon, and Mose has begun to spend a few hours a few days a week with his friend Jasper (and her wonderful nanny, Olga). All of this in preparation for what we anticipate will be an INSANE year.
Two babies in diapers. Hubby working full time and in school full time. Me trying to manage house and hearth on a shoestring (while racing a book deadline).
But while I was feeling crazy a few weeks ago, I'm suddenly just feeling totally lucky. Because for the first time in my life I'm not trying to get to the "next thing". I'm not scrambling to make contacts that might pay off later. I'm not searching the web for interesting jobs. I'm not trying to dream up a book I might be able to sell. I'm not feeling left out. I'm not submitting work to journals and then biting my fingernails over them. I'm not envying other people their successes. I'm taking a break from all of that.
I'm exactly where I want to be.
At home. Writing what I want (poems and this new book... and nothing else) and MOST OF ALL-- taking care of my kids.
This is not to say that I won't be insane in other ways...
Of course I will, because I'm "like that". Insanity is, as my sis would say, "just how I roll".
But for the first time since I can remember, I'll be content to do just what I have to do. So long as I do it well.
And I'm feeling amazingly blessed to be in this situation.
Why am I thinking about all of this? Because last night, watching TV, I said something to my husband about how I don't think I really want to teach. I said, "I think I just want to write and be a mom."
And he said, "Well, it's a good thing that's exactly what you're doing."
And a lightbulb went off.
I felt like a fool for not realizing it sooner. It's true. I am doing JUST what I want to do.
How crazy is that? How many people can say that?
I'm doing just what I want, without having to sell my soul to the devil. Without a trust fund. Without going into massive debt. My dream has come true.
And I'm not saying this here to gloat or anything. I'm not trying to show off. I'm saying it here because it seems worth mention... that sometimes you HAVE just what you want, but you've gotten so used to scrambling that you've forgotten what you were scrambling towards in the first place.
Like you started driving across the country, meaning to visit your cousin in Kansas, and you got so used to staring at the map, watching the speedometer, and thinking about the road... you forgot to stop in Kansas.
Life is crazy.
Two babies in diapers. Hubby working full time and in school full time. Me trying to manage house and hearth on a shoestring (while racing a book deadline).
But while I was feeling crazy a few weeks ago, I'm suddenly just feeling totally lucky. Because for the first time in my life I'm not trying to get to the "next thing". I'm not scrambling to make contacts that might pay off later. I'm not searching the web for interesting jobs. I'm not trying to dream up a book I might be able to sell. I'm not feeling left out. I'm not submitting work to journals and then biting my fingernails over them. I'm not envying other people their successes. I'm taking a break from all of that.
I'm exactly where I want to be.
At home. Writing what I want (poems and this new book... and nothing else) and MOST OF ALL-- taking care of my kids.
This is not to say that I won't be insane in other ways...
Of course I will, because I'm "like that". Insanity is, as my sis would say, "just how I roll".
But for the first time since I can remember, I'll be content to do just what I have to do. So long as I do it well.
And I'm feeling amazingly blessed to be in this situation.
Why am I thinking about all of this? Because last night, watching TV, I said something to my husband about how I don't think I really want to teach. I said, "I think I just want to write and be a mom."
And he said, "Well, it's a good thing that's exactly what you're doing."
And a lightbulb went off.
I felt like a fool for not realizing it sooner. It's true. I am doing JUST what I want to do.
How crazy is that? How many people can say that?
I'm doing just what I want, without having to sell my soul to the devil. Without a trust fund. Without going into massive debt. My dream has come true.
And I'm not saying this here to gloat or anything. I'm not trying to show off. I'm saying it here because it seems worth mention... that sometimes you HAVE just what you want, but you've gotten so used to scrambling that you've forgotten what you were scrambling towards in the first place.
Like you started driving across the country, meaning to visit your cousin in Kansas, and you got so used to staring at the map, watching the speedometer, and thinking about the road... you forgot to stop in Kansas.
Life is crazy.
3 Comments:
you know, you're the second cool, inspirational chick friend of mine to say this out loud this week. i'm so happy for you; and attentive: i need to figure out what it is exactly that i want before i can go implementing it into my life--but your example and gratitude are noted and something to strive for.
been trying to call on-and-off; hope we catch up soon.
there's that saying, happiness is wanting what you have and that's what you've found. you want what you have.
good for you. that's some wisdom.
-rebecca
awesomeness! this must be so fricking liberating to say it/write it!! you are right--not too many people can say that.
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