January: National Identity-search month...
I deem it to be anyway.
I'm thinking a ton about ideantity, and Eduardo is helping me...
See, when I finished my MFA, after wandering about for a few years, I landed in my Hillel job.
In many ways, it's an incredible boon. I have stability, security, a liveable salary, dental. AND I get to work in a field that matters to me, I have a role in which I feel valued.
But the down side is that it isn't MY thing. It's a meaningful field, but not MY field. And because it matters to me, I can't bring myself to skimp on it as I would a crappy corporate job. So I feel pretty constantly split. Like I have to "choose."
Which is familar for me, Miss JewishyIrishy, the forever fence-sitter.
.
I remember one night at the Foxhead,a fter too much to drink, Salvatore Scibona yelled at me that I couldn't have it all. I yelled back, "Why not?"
But here I am, sitting on the fence, with a nice view but a poor seat.
Why does this come up now? Because Mr. Correl, in his infinite wisdom, asked for a page from our notebooks, in this very specific season of resolution(s).
And mine is almost empty.
Sixty hour weeks in Hillel-o-land don't leave many brain cells for scribbling, or even for noticing the world.
And yet, I still feel far more a writer than I'll ever feel a career-gal, no matter how useful/imporatant the career. I'm a writer and that's what I am.
If you put "Jew" at one end of a chalk-line and "Poet" at the other, and asked me to stand on the line in "MY" place...
I'd be almost on top of "Poet."
But my day-runner and my scribble-book don't indicate such. Nor my nightly reading. Nor my summer plans.
And even worse, my bosss said to me today, by coincidence, "You know, all your outside projects are cool, but they won't be so easy as you climb further up the ladder."
He's right. Which makes me wonder what to do...
I love my job, and I don't want to adjunct at 17 community colleges, or wait tables. But if that's what it takes to have writer-time?
I just don't know.
The funny thing is, I often wonder what this blog is for... whether it's about my religious life or my writing life.
It can't be both?
And you? If you had to stand on a chalk line... are you standing closer to "Writer" or to "Black?" Or to "Gay?" Or to "Woman?" Or to "Wife?" Or to "Mother?"
Who are you?
I'm thinking a ton about ideantity, and Eduardo is helping me...
See, when I finished my MFA, after wandering about for a few years, I landed in my Hillel job.
In many ways, it's an incredible boon. I have stability, security, a liveable salary, dental. AND I get to work in a field that matters to me, I have a role in which I feel valued.
But the down side is that it isn't MY thing. It's a meaningful field, but not MY field. And because it matters to me, I can't bring myself to skimp on it as I would a crappy corporate job. So I feel pretty constantly split. Like I have to "choose."
Which is familar for me, Miss JewishyIrishy, the forever fence-sitter.
.
I remember one night at the Foxhead,a fter too much to drink, Salvatore Scibona yelled at me that I couldn't have it all. I yelled back, "Why not?"
But here I am, sitting on the fence, with a nice view but a poor seat.
Why does this come up now? Because Mr. Correl, in his infinite wisdom, asked for a page from our notebooks, in this very specific season of resolution(s).
And mine is almost empty.
Sixty hour weeks in Hillel-o-land don't leave many brain cells for scribbling, or even for noticing the world.
And yet, I still feel far more a writer than I'll ever feel a career-gal, no matter how useful/imporatant the career. I'm a writer and that's what I am.
If you put "Jew" at one end of a chalk-line and "Poet" at the other, and asked me to stand on the line in "MY" place...
I'd be almost on top of "Poet."
But my day-runner and my scribble-book don't indicate such. Nor my nightly reading. Nor my summer plans.
And even worse, my bosss said to me today, by coincidence, "You know, all your outside projects are cool, but they won't be so easy as you climb further up the ladder."
He's right. Which makes me wonder what to do...
I love my job, and I don't want to adjunct at 17 community colleges, or wait tables. But if that's what it takes to have writer-time?
I just don't know.
The funny thing is, I often wonder what this blog is for... whether it's about my religious life or my writing life.
It can't be both?
And you? If you had to stand on a chalk line... are you standing closer to "Writer" or to "Black?" Or to "Gay?" Or to "Woman?" Or to "Wife?" Or to "Mother?"
Who are you?
3 Comments:
Laurel,
I understand.
I had an administrative job & a reading job with Five Points that I quit for similar reasons, tho: I just wasn't feelin' it.
And that was supposedly a poetry job.
So it's a tough call.
Which makes the "commune" look more attractive.
But there are lucky places to fall into. Keep looking for yours.
Love, Laura
PS email me about coffee
I stand close to "moron" and/or "slacker." I also feel Jewish even though I'm not. What does it mean to "feel" Jewish? I dunno. I guess I should ask my Hebrew teacher.
What I don't feel like is "poet." Or "scholar." Or "friend." Or "lover."
TR
p.s. have you noticed you make a guest appearance in LE?
Oh, I hear you on the job thing. I work in nonprofit, and have worked up to a position in management at an agency I absolutely love, and I'm passionate about the work I do there, but it IS hard, a balancing act, and my writing has slowed down since taking this job. Nevertheless, when talking to friends who are looking for teaching jobs, and the hoops you have to go through to end up making not that much money to start, I do consider myself lucky. Since I'm not surrounded by poets on a day to day basis, I may have to remind myself to do things to stay connected to the community, but overall, this works better for me than waiting tables or teaching. And I definately hear you about committment. I mean, I've had jobs I didn't care about, and they DO take less of a certain kind of energy, yet, in another way, the take more of another kind of energy, it really isn't any fun at the end of the day to work a job you feel zero passion about, even if you do get to slack off a little and maybe have a bit more energy in the evenings because of that. And when you have a separation between art and commerce, you have true creative freedom, and no pressure to hurry and publish so you can get tenure, etc. Sorry for the long comment, but it was cool to read your post and be able to relate, so I wanted to throw out my support and say, keep on keeping on...best, Louise
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