The afterlife update...

I know what happens when you die!

When you die, you fly up through the clouds. You shoot straight up into the sky, past the sun (and/or moon) and through a thick wall of cloud. The wall is precisely as thick as the Great Wall of China.

Then you're standing on the wall, and all around you is heaven, the way you thought it would look when you were 7. It's fluffy and blue and white and gilded with sunshine. And standing before you is a man in a long robe. He holds out a piece of parchment, or what looks like parchments.

You think, "Maybe it's the death diploma!"

But it isn't. It's a spread sheet with a pie graph beside it.

And the man tells you the EXACT number of hours you spent on earth. Precisely.

And the spread sheet breaks down how you spent your hours, in terms of efficiency. No value judgements, but it chronicles the degree of sloth.

So like, television watching and hungover mornings and nights drinking pitcher beer while having a conversation you've had a MILLION times before, and hours spent on ebay, not buying anything, and hours spent fighting for no good reason. ALL THE TIME YOU"VE WASTED!

And then too, the spread sheet shows the hours you've spent productively. The hours spent cooking amazing meals, writing novels, making music, cleaning the house, talking a friend through a rough spot, refinishing a table, etc.

And the pie graph displays the spread sheet, and if your sloth outweighs your productivity, you go to one place. And if your productivity outweighs your sloth, you go to a different place.

So that the lazy people can sit and watch TV without feeling guilty, and the busy people can get busy, without having to pick up after the lazy people.

And that is what happens when you die.